Recently I learned again, from direct experience, just how illusive clear and connecting communication can be. When I speak of communication, I'm talking more about dialogue, connection, exchange. Whether it's in a heart-felt shared moment or an advertisement that touches us deeply and profoundly, or something in between that connects, we all know those moments when the communication has been clear and deep.
Or do we? What I've seen as I taught Communication Styles and Skills in many different venues throughout this country, is that often we assume that because what we are saying touches us as we say it that it touches another the same way. Sometimes that is true. Sometimes it is not true. Mostly we assume that when we say something, because we understand what we are saying, that whoever we are talking to will understand it too. And you know what they say about AssUME-ing.
In Reference Point Therapy we use the word acknowledge all the time. Simon noticed as he was teaching all over the world, that people who speak English as a second language may not have a direct translation for the word acknowledge. Recently in one of my classes a student reacted with some resistance to the idea of acknowledging and I noticed that for this student, English was not her native tongue. I redefined the word to notice, recognize, be present with and we worked with that. The thing is, she didn't understand why she was resistant, just that she didn't get how to make it work -- because the word actually had no meaning, thus there was no communication. There were other issues fueling the resistance as well -- and once we had re-defined the word, then we could get to the other issues and use the magic of RPT to clear those as well.
Communication is so important to us, that there are many different models attempting to define and understand our preferences. Many are labeled as personality models, some focus directly on our interactions with others without mentioning communication. And, what they are all about is how we perceive, process and deliver information to one another. Most of them revolve around a quadrant model that looks at the speed or pace and our orientation to task versus people. All use differing words that usually mean about the same thing.
In my journey I have either used or taught several of these models. In giving it all some thought I realized we were really talking about communication styles. Without the awareness that there are differing styles out there most of us assume that everyone else thinks, talks, experiences just like we do. There is an assumption that because we speak the same language, we understand what others are saying. I found out the hard way, that is just not true.
What does this mean? If I talk too fast and the person to whom I'm speaking is slower paced, they won't hear much of what I'm saying. If I tell someone a story, who needs to hear the bottom line first, they will become impatient, frustrated, and cut off listening. Has this ever happened to you? The frustration may take the form of the question, 'What's your point?" If I start telling someone what to do, without acknowledging them personally first, and they are a highly people oriented person, their hurt, feelings of being slighted, or other emotional reactions will very effectively block what I need to get done. And, if I'd just said a few words of personal recognition -- like "Hi, How are you?" our whole interaction would have been much smoother.
Here's another analogy. If I'm looking out a window, and you are looking out a window and I assume you are looking out the same window as me -- and I base all my communication on the assumption that you are seeing what I'm seeing that works well -- if we are looking out the same window at the same scene. But, what if we aren't? What if I'm looking out a window facing East and you are looking out the window facing West and the scenes are totally different? What happens then? I bet you can guess. Many situation comedy scenes are based on this premise.
I'm sure that for some I'm written way too much at this point, and for others they want more information. I have a friend that I ask to edit my marketing emails and she always wants to cut out the major portion of the introduction and put in bullet points. I do put in the bullet points and then follow it with the information. That way, she and others with her style can see the bullet points, skip the other info and go to the next set of bullet points. Without taking the many possible views into consideration, communication can be iffy at best.
How do you do that? I'm going to be writing a series of article on communication. And, I'm going to be doing a one-day class in Pasadena on December 11, and starting a teleclass in January so that more folks can acquire the skills to bridge easily and effectively between various communication styles, thus being heard, felt, and acknowledged.
Learn more about the class, here.
